bovariancancer

 Its crazy to me how you left me.you were preparing for it. You left me a month before you told me. You were getting your life back from.before me. You were pushing me away. And I had so much faith in you. I put my soul into your hands. I was telling myself that you would never do that. You would never betray me like that. You left me a month before. And to me, it was a random Friday, I was watching Love is Blind with the love of my life, who got me pizza cause I had period cramps. And who dumped me fwhile Inwas eating it.

 Im not doing good again. I hate these phases, these oscillations, the constant highs and lows. One hyper-active week where I feel I can conquer snd rule the world and the next week I am back in my bed, covered, eating junk food and fighting the urge to hurt myself. I cant take it anymore. Im scared. Im scared of what is happening to me. Am I gonna grow out of this, blossom, or am I gonna let it ruin me. Im scared that one day, my instrusive thoughts will win and I will end it. I never had it in me. Until last Saturday. On a random Saturday, standing in the middle of the street, waiting for someone, I felt a split second of it. It was just a second, if even that. But I felt it. I felt I could do it. And it scared the shit out of me. I wanted to cry. But I couldnt. What if it happens again? What if I feel it again? What if I feel it often? Often enough for that one day where I will actually do it?  I cant take the loneliness anymore. i dont know that I can deal with it anymore....

A child unloved, a child ignored, A child of four, abandoned, floored. Left in a world that turned its back, A place of darkness, cold and black. She cried for help, but silence roared, Her worth dismissed, her heart ignored. They cast their stones, they cast their scorn, Left her shattered, lost, and worn. Her face, her weight—every flaw they’d mock, Her temper, her tears, her soul on lock. A girl just wanting a space to breathe, But walls of hatred did seethe and seethe. Tell me, why’d they shut her out, While she begged with every shout? All she wanted was to be, Loved, accepted, finally free. But no, they laughed, they let her break, Just a fragile heart they chose to forsake. She built her walls, she closed her door, Fighting fires they’d never see or score. She grew, she searched, with bruised, small hands, Through barren earth, through empty lands. Years wore on; she hid her scars, Hoping for light beneath the stars. At last, a spark—a place to rest, A home, a hope she’d long su...

 Safe Haven I showed you shadows in my heart, let you walk where no one dared, cracked open the locked doors, offering pieces I’d never shared. You saw the hidden bruises, the scars buried deep in my chest, and you held them gently in your hands, as if they were something blessed. I remember how your touch made all the aching still, like the quiet after a storm, soft, and wholly real. But darkness has a weight to it, heavier than I knew, and when it sank around us both, it dragged you down there too. You slipped away from what I was, from what you couldn’t heal, and in the silence you left behind, I forgot what it meant to feel. Now I walk alone again, through shadows thick as night, with no one there to hold my hand, and make the darkness light. I don’t blame you for going— I know it was too much to bear, but it broke me, knowing you’d seen it all, and still chose not to care.

It Smells Like Hospital in Here she mutters as she enters. "Seems fitting", I think, "Enter, yee repenter!" This is the hospital, mother, I hear myself reply. She says "why". It is the sick that come here To get better or to die. In any case, a place for "goodbye". Only the beaten, the down-trodden, The hopeless and contagious Find their abode. But the beaten, the down-trodden, The hopeless and contagious That find their abode, They also eventually leave. Once they remode. And you cannot blame the sick For leaving a sick place. But I often wonder, why we talk about Hospitals in such disgrace. But they smell of disease And everyone is sick. Of course no one wants to stay, The disease will stick. But this is also the place Where babies are born, The place where the sick Finds solace to reform. This is also the place With the most candid of laughter, Where often darkness is defeated And light lingers thereafter. A place where your insides Get cut an...