bovariancancer

Difficulty breathing.  Fear. Sense of danger. Trembling. Lightheadedness. Sense of danger. Fear. Difficulty breathing. Fear. Sense of danger. Fear. Danger. Danger. Danger. Danger. I am trying to breathe. But its hard when your nose is stuffed, your mouth dry, the skin on your face hurts. Danger. The grounding technique. Danger. All I want is sleep. My head is being crushed. Swollen. Heart beats rapidly. I can hear it scream in my ears. The drums. I put my right hand on my chest. My therapist taught me that. I dont feel my heart under my hand. How can it be? I hear it, I feel it inside of me drumming, but I dont feel it under my hand. I check the pulse. Its there. 80 beats per minute. Pretty normal. I am still trying to locate my heart in my chest. Where did it go? I place my hand in the middle. I focus. Its not there. I move slightly to the left. Focus. Not there. I move further left. Focus. Not there. Upwards. Focus. Not there. I lost the heart. Its beating somewhere. Its just not in

 I just watched a video of a man rescuing a cat from the city river. Somehow the cat got stuck inside the canal. I imagine it was raining heavily and suddenly, because there was a small cement outlay inside the river bank walls and that is where it found the ground to stay. The cat looked dry. That is why I imagine the river got bigger quietly. Or maybe the cat was just standing there for a long time and got dry. A man saw it and got the pool net to catch her. He extended the pool net towards the cat. The cat jumped into the water terrified of the net. It sensed danger. The net scared the cat. Understandably so. Imagine you cat-sized hiding inside the canal, water level rising, you know each minute its gonna get to you. Then as sudden as the misfortune you found yourself in, a long rod with the net twice your size attached to it appears from the above and starts approaching you. You never expect things to come at you from the sky. You are used to things coming out of the ground (flower

 My friend sent me photos from Paris. Each one with the Eiffel Tower. Got me thinking... Whats up with the Eiffel Tower? Why are people so impressed with it? I have seen far more beautiful and amazing buildings, and yet they marvel at this useless tower. As it always happens, I suddenly humanized the ugly structure. No, but imagine yourself as an Eiffel Tower. Just standing there watching happy people walk by, taking unsolicited selfies with you, posting you all over social media, while you just stand there, unable to move or say something. What would the Eiffel Tower say. What would the Tower say? Luckily, I am easily persuaded in asking chatgpt stupid questions. I asked chatgpt to tell me a story from the perspective of the Eiffel Towe. This is what it told me: "Once upon a time in the heart of Paris, there stood a majestic tower, tall and proud, overlooking the city of lights. From my perch high above, I watched as life unfolded beneath me, like a grand tapestry woven with the

 Four million pigs. Almost one million cows. Around 202 million chickens.  Every.  Day. Lets not use such big numbers. I find when we talk in such large numbers, things seem abstract. Lets break it down to our level.   One day has 24h. One hour has 60 minutes. That makes 1440 minutes a day. That takes us to: 2.777 pigs per minute. 677 cows per minute. 140.278 chickens per minute.   Wanna break it down some more? Lets! One minute has 60 second. That takes us to: 46.28333333333 pigs per second. 11.28333333333 cows per second. 2337.966666667 chickens per second. Lets put this realistically now: It takes the light 8 seconds to reach Earth. By the time you sense the sunlight on your skin, there have already been 370.2666666666 pigs, 90.26666666664 cows and 18.703,73333323 chickens slaughtered. Not only have 370 pigs been killed by the time you get your first touch of vitamin D or even make the first blink on that murky Monday before going to work, there was still .2666666666 seconds left to

 Sleeping creeps me out. I dont get the hype. I get the need, its physiological and I do love to sleep, but just the mechanism of it... Its weird, to say the least. Its like being under general anaesthesia; it feels great, cause it doesnt feel, but its creepy, being unconscious and unaware of whats happening. Its like being dead for a while basically.  Just like with any anesthesia, some people wake up in the middle of it. And thats not fun! Some do stuff unconsciously, they call it sleepwalking. And the fact that your body does not know the difference between reality and imaginary makes everything even worse. It may all be a dream, and you are fully aware of it after you wake up, but your body actually goes through your dreams like they are real. You fall asleep, and you wake up with new phobias, feelings or experiences. You dont pay much attention to them, until some time after in real life you see the person who tried to kill you, or who you had sex with, or you see that cat next to

I think I died at least twentysix times until now.  I cant remember any. Or what it felt like. Or why I died.  When I say I died, I dont mean physically. Do I believe in death? Debatable. Do I believe people die? Yes. All the time. Most of us are not even aware of it.  Most of us call it "growing up."  "Its high time you grew up, T." "Life is not a fairytale." "You are unable to live in the real world." "Thats not how real world works!" "What world do you live in?" "Growing up" means not "living in a fairytale", but "living in the real world".  I dont know what makes a world real. Do I believe in real? Debatable.  So when I say I died, I meant I stopped living in a fairytale, I lived in the real world,  I adapted to the real world. Now that I am thinking about it, every time I died it was brief.  One day maximum. Every time I was dead for a day.  It is like a daytrip; I trip and I die. Dying felt