Sleeping creeps me out.
I dont get the hype. I get the need, its physiological and I do love to sleep, but just the mechanism of it... Its weird, to say the least. Its like being under general anaesthesia; it feels great, cause it doesnt feel, but its creepy, being unconscious and unaware of whats happening. Its like being dead for a while basically.
Just like with any anesthesia, some people wake up in the middle of it. And thats not fun! Some do stuff unconsciously, they call it sleepwalking. And the fact that your body does not know the difference between reality and imaginary makes everything even worse. It may all be a dream, and you are fully aware of it after you wake up, but your body actually goes through your dreams like they are real. You fall asleep, and you wake up with new phobias, feelings or experiences. You dont pay much attention to them, until some time after in real life you see the person who tried to kill you, or who you had sex with, or you see that cat next to a wooden log and everything comes back rushing to you, like an old, supressed memory.
I dread going to sleep.
Ever since I was little, I had a weird relationship with sleep. I used to have those fever dreams, I guess thats what they are called. I would sleep and see my duvet grow larger and larger on top of me, to the point of where I felt suffocated and I would "wake up" crying to my mom. But I never let go of the duvet, maybe I wanted her to see it and tell me if its real or not. On rare occasions, but happens, I still have weird experiences before falling to sleep. I wish I knew how common it was; I start dreaming even without falling asleep. I first dream, then I fall asleep. And when the dreams begin, I get a distinct feeling of not being myself anymore. Or rather, of being somewhere else. Maybe in a cinema, watching a movie. I completely let go and let images roll.
Even my imagination was somewhat peculiar. I would imagine stuff to the point of reality. I would daydream funerals, and start shaking and crying uncontrollably. Only few years back I realized I was doing "manufestation". Thats what that is, right? They tell you to imagine stuff but get into it, like its real, statt behaving as if it already happened.
I wonder at what age I began to internalize everything. Only a few years back have I started noticing the extreme to which this particular habit of mine goes. My most vivid earliest memory was my uncle leaving. Sometimes I feel like that was when my life avtually started. And even that I am not sure if it really happened or I made it up. Maybe my mind just made it up, because I never got a proper goodbye. But if I made it up, I am oretty sure I would have come up with a better closure than that. Be it real or made up, its still a memory in my mind. Or maybe a dream tho... I dont know. Such a monumental event in a child's life to remain a riddle. The story od dad going out to get cigarettes and not coming back. Cliche.
I have some vague memories of us before he left. Sitting on his lap, singing songs, him carrying me on his shoulder everywhere, driving a bike, going to his football matches, sitting behind the goal net... Is it possible those were also all made up? Is that why I have such vivid imagination and dreams?
I dont remember much after he left. Not much to remember. I was always kind of on my own as a child. I liked to play alone, eat alone, learn alone. I liked other people, but I didnt know how to communicate with them. And even when I did, I was always made to be over-dramatic. Things were never the way I thought they were, the way I expressed them. Weird child.
Making up her whole life since 1991.
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