My ex used to start arguments in the car a lot.

I would mostly get tired of arguing, or just giving up. But he always used to start something while he was driving. Because I couldn't leave. I had to sit and listen. Not only that, he would get into a rage mode, and drive like a maniac. Changing gears forcibly, gassing the car up to the point of exhaustion. Making turns like he owns the streets. And always smoking a cigarette (even tho I hated and never allowed him to smoke inside the car when I am there). He seemed to enjoy having me as a prisoner and punishing me for not wanting to talk. Scaring me. At first, I fought against it. Once I jumped out of it. Then I started crying. After a while, I learned to get into a freeze mode. I just stared blankly and silenty. Some time later I noticed I would start playing with my fingers. 

I never used to find this weird or scary. It was normal for me. I am not blaming him still. I can be hard to deal with. I can be selfish more often than not. However, I think he was wrong for how he dealt with me too. 

 

I only realized how hard it stayed with me two nights ago. I was in the car with D and somehow I got my feelings hurt and I shut off. D wanted to know what happened. But I couldnt utter a word in that damn car. I just stared and sat silently. Looked around the window. Played with my fingers. He kept asking and asking, which made me feel pressured and pushed. But I did appreciate him not giving up. Its complicated. I was thinking about whats happening. I was analyzing, pulling stuff back from the days of yore to come up with just an idea of what it could be. Suddenly, as we were almost close to the apartment, he moved to check something and I flinched a little bit. I was expecting the sudden forcible gear change, loud noise of the gass pedal, or him lighting a cigarette. But he didnt. I let out a tear or two. It broke my heart that I was so damaged by something so stupid. I let out a tear or two again for believing still that it was "something so stupid". 

There was this one time my therapist hooked me up on some machine to measure my stress levels. She always used to ask me what bothers me. What gives me anxiety or stress. And I never knew. In my mind I was always exaggerating or feeling like I am not to be stressed/anxious/scared because I did it all to myself, I was to blame for the stress. So she decided to check herself. She made me put those things on me and talk about certain things, family, work, sports, friends, and my ex. After we were done, she showed me the results. Everything was normal except the part with my ex. That screen went completely red. I remember being shocked by it. I did not expect it. Mostly because he always blamed me for not being able to communicate well. Which is true, I am not good at it. At least thats what everyone says, so it must be true. Nevertheless, the red screen stayed with me. The trauma and freeze mode apparently too.


Once I was able to pinpoint what was the vause of my silence, I felt better about it. I was able to move on from it. Not immediately, and it will take time. But understanding it helps me deal with it. I wish I were able to understand more than just that. Maybe one day. You never know.


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