You cant prove something that doesnt exist, right? Its not there, so... How can you be aware of it? But I am constantly aware of your absence. I wake up with it, I brush my teeth with it, I clean my face with it, it sits with me at breakfast... It follows me. It appears through smallest of cracks; it hides between keyboard buttons, it stares at me at traffic lights, it stings with the drops of rain, it gives me my change back at the gas station and asks foe my ID at the doctor's office. Even on my best of days, I am constantly painfully aware of your absence. So, how does that make sense? How can you be followed by something thats not there? And why does this last so long? Why dont you leave me alone? You pesky shadow. You unfaithful stray. Annoying ghost. 


I find myself feeling horrible when I am happy. I cant even enjoy anything anymore. I keep seeking company from people. I am letting them tire me out. I am letting them exhaust me. I am letting them chew me, inside and out, swallow me, and then puke me out. Thats how I get back home. I sprayed your perfume yesterday and I keep sniffing it in passing. And for a second it feels like youre hugging me again. I can sense the fabric of your gray Zara sweater on my fingertips, the warmth of your neck, I can feel my fingers intertwined with your, your hand over my shoulders, your breath on my lips. I feel my legs rub across the sheets of your bed, and I can sense the breeze on my back coming through your cracked-open window, I can slightly hear the sprinklers and the neighbour calling out his little white dog. I can still feel how heavy your backpack was, and the sound of you blowing your nose. I dont know why I do this. Maybe Im purposely torturing myself with memories so that it hurts until I dont feel anything anymore. Getting high on pain. A dangerous game for someone like me. Or maybe Im unpurposely delaying the natural process of letting go and forgetting. I dont know. I never know why I do anything. Maybe its both tho. Its probably both.

 

There is no wall, no museum, no temple worth of hanging all the memories on them. Walls are fragile. Frames are tacky. Earthquakes crash them, floods steal them, fires burn them. I gotta carry them inside me. In me. Thats where I keep our first kiss on that couch, the heavy breaths on my chest from that night, how cold your hand was, the first time we held hands, all the things you were saying to me while making love on my birthday, and all the things you were saying while you were leaving me.


 Im afraid. Im afraid of whats gonna happen to me. Im afraid of going back to my Azkaban. Or maybe I will do better with someone else and they will choose me. Thats a big maybe tho. I dont have time anymore to get over you.



And people tell me I need to wait it out, let it pass. But its only getting worse. Each day is one more day since Ive seen you. One more day to remember you. 


Am I gonna have to remember you for longer than I have known you?

 

I think I won the "i love you more" war. 


When you love someone you dont just give up. Not even people call you crazy, or a fool, or roll their eyes. Even then. Especially not then! You take the worlds advice, and move on and find someone else. Because then thats not love. Its some disposable thing not even worth fighting for. I wish you fought for me better. 


Because I would have never in a million years given up on you. I would have never stopped trying. Because whatever future I created for myself in my own mind, I would have rewritten just so you could fit in. I would have worked on it. And the fact that you didnt... Is the worthless that hurts the most.

 

I want to let you go. I really do. But I feel like Im gonna have to do it thousand times over (for you, even thousand times over), and in thousand different ways. 

 


And I love you.

But I pray to God I never see you again.

You will always be my favourite almost.


 

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