Dragos told a story about how his first memory is when his mom smacked him across the head. And how the first thing he thought was "im not gonna cry, i be damned if i let you see me cry." And then she smacked him again. And he still didnt cry. Now he noticed how his mother got really mad. Because, how dare he not cry. So she put her hand into "backhand" and smacked him for the third time with all the bones that it had in it. Thats when he started strategizing. Thats when he realized he better cry now, or else she will never stop until she sees that she can hurt him.
I remember all the times my dad used to beat me up. And how I refused to cry. I discovered early on that I have the power of dissociation. He would make me go on my own and grab a stick with which he will beat me. I always grabbed the biggest and thickest one. My little sister would get one and break it into millions of pieces so it gets loose and wiggly and useless. And I would grab the biggest one. I always knew I never deserved to be hit. But he thought for whatever reason that I do. Every time I brought that stick to him I remember thinking "here you go, you wanna hurt me, then hurt me like a big girl, not like a child." And I never once, not even for a second, screamed, cried or let any sign of pain out. I just stood there and waited for him to finish. I was able to completely disappear from that moment. Many years later I realized of this power of mine; to just retreat into some hole where nothing can reach me. Until one day. One day I heard my dad telling this to a neighbour. He was shocked to learn that I bawled my eyes out because our local priest was leaving. There was sth about that priest that I liked. His name was Bartol. He was pretty, tall, dark hair, calming voice and a soothing aura. But he moved to another place. And on that last day in church, I couldn't stop crying. My grandma told that to everyone later, including my dad. Which is when I overheard him. He was telling the neighbour "can you believe this, i beat the shit out of her and she never cried once, not even a single tear, but she cried over the priest." And thats when I realized what Dragos realized at four; he wanted me to cry. He wanted me to hurt. And it pained him that he couldn't. Or at least he thought so, because the reality is, he did.
So when Dragos was telling his story, I felt an irresistible urge to go to him and ask: But did you create your own little hole to crawl into so you can escape the pain, and did you learn how to use it whenever you needed it, and did your body grow so accustomed to it that even now, some twenty years later, it is its go-to shelter, not only for pain, but for rest and sleep and escape, whenever you are overwhelmed, overdriven or just need a fucking break from being your exhausting self, and did you lose complete control over it because you love it, because it protects you and gives you a false sense of having control over things? If yes, do you sometimes think you're lying to yourself and you actually never ever got out of that hole, and youve been basically living from inside of it outside, constantly acting from a freeze mode? And if thats the case, do you sometimes feel like you made all this up and you were never right in the first place and you deserved to be beaten up, and you go on through life always doubting.everything.you.ever.think.always.
Yeah, me neither.
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