Im not doing good again.

I hate these phases, these oscillations, the constant highs and lows. One hyper-active week where I feel I can conquer snd rule the world and the next week I am back in my bed, covered, eating junk food and fighting the urge to hurt myself.

I cant take it anymore. Im scared. Im scared of what is happening to me. Am I gonna grow out of this, blossom, or am I gonna let it ruin me. Im scared that one day, my instrusive thoughts will win and I will end it. I never had it in me. Until last Saturday. On a random Saturday, standing in the middle of the street, waiting for someone, I felt a split second of it. It was just a second, if even that. But I felt it. I felt I could do it. And it scared the shit out of me. I wanted to cry. But I couldnt. What if it happens again? What if I feel it again? What if I feel it often? Often enough for that one day where I will actually do it? 

I cant take the loneliness anymore. i dont know that I can deal with it anymore. Its consuming me. Its brining me back to being a child, the little girl who all she ever did was cry, to being alienated from everyone and everything, being abandonded and turned away. Do I keep getting abandonded because I am horrible, or am I horrible because I kept getting abandoned? I am scared that even if I meet someone, I will let them do anything to me now. I will just allow them to treat me like shit, put me second, fifth or even twelth, or just be the girl to have fun with, be a lap dog, a doormat. Because I fear. Again. It will happen again. 


I went out with my sister and two other guys. And I didnt say a word. I couldnt speak. And they kept pressuring me; say something, come one talk to us, why are you so rude, say something, say something, say something....

Say something!

 

I didnt want to be there, I didnt want to talk to them, I didnt even like them, I dont feel like a person, I dont even feel like a corpse... What do I feel like? Idk. Myself, I guess. Its a really specific feeling of feeling like myself.  

 

And I am not even telling this to anyone. I used to talk to peole about it. Now not. 


What is happening to me?

What am I becoming?

What am I turning into?


Its time for me to accept my place in the world; and thats at the bottom.

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